Greetings, guys and ghouls. Halloween is just around the corner, and I don’t know about you, but here at aimClear we love a good scare. Any seasoned search marketer will tell you that in our industry, there’s blood-curdling terrors and freak-shows to behold… if you know where to look. From downright dreadful habits of search conference speakers to positively hair-raising social media faux pas, the petrifying threat of intra-community bloodshed… sometimes it’s like we’re one bucket of pig’s blood short of a B-rated horror flick. (Side note: Carrie = not B-rated.)

But perhaps one of the most spine-chilling aversions the search marketer could encounter is a so-called marketing must-read filled with outdated, misguided, flavor-of-the-month type garble, all held together by a gaudy eyesore of a book jacket and a really god-awful title.  In the [evil] spirit of sharing a spook and scream with our friends in the online marketing industry, we tapped into our Twitter communities this morning to help assemble the quintessential bookshelf of horrors. I give you: 66 of the Worst Search Marketing Books You’ll Never Read.

Special hat-tip to Bryan Eisenberg and aimClear’s own Matt Peterson for inspiring this post. Since they’re the brains behind the blog, they get to go first. Mmmmmmm, braaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiinnnsss…..

Matt Peterson | @Matt_Peterson

• ME-Commerce: Self Centered Social Selling in the Cybersphere
• Why Rats Turn Left: Master Irrational User Behavior Inside The Clickzone (a McCartney-Lennon collaboration with Marty Weintraub)
• The How-To’s and Why’s of Competitive Speed Linking
• Killer Plurk Ads: Do These Even Exist?
• Tweet Ur Way 2 Congress: Convert Ur Followers 2 Legal U.S. Voters
• Meta-Stuffing RankClicker! & Other Winning SEO Insults
• Goalchieving Your KPIs through Logfile Analytics: A Comprehensive Pamphlet
• Title Tag Optimization: A Guide for Optimizing Title Tags | Tutorial & How-To Book About Title Tag Optimization
• Pasted Rage Wank – A Troubled Teenagers Guide to SEO
• Dirty, Kinky Data: Avinash Tells All! (Seriously Though, We Love Avinash)

Bryan Eisenberg | @TheGrok

• The Search Whisperer: Confessions of a Search Engine Optimist
• The Geek’s Guide to Gaming Google for Good
• Tales of a Marketing Renegade: The Marty Weintraub Story

Merry Morud | @merrymorud

• Marketing Wolfpack: Ways to Manipulate & Take Advantage of America’s Sheep
• In the Wild: Campy Low-budget Marketing Tactics Big Brands Can Learn From Local TV Advertising
• The Yellow Pages Aren’t dead: How to Get Your Ads to Stay on People’s Front Porch
• Click Cash! Perfecting the Gossip Blogz to Earn You Fast Cash

Netmeg | @netmeg

• Maybe They’ll Find It

Paul David Madden | @PaulDavidMadden

• Whitehat Link Building 101

Casey B. Yandle III | @cyandle

• The Keyword Tag is King! Why Businesses Don’t Need Social Media & Why Your Business Doesn’t Need a Website in 2011

Alex Payne | @alexmpayne

• Why Facebook is Dead and Where You Should Go Next
• Retro-Marketing: Keeping the Myspace Alive
• “Hey, Look Over Here!”

Claire Carlile | @claircarlile

• Customer-Centricity: Any Colour As Long As It’s Black

Kerry Dean | @kerrydean

• Rel Canonical & You: Sculpting the Modern Internet
• Marketers Are People, Too (j/k LOL)
• Learning to Lie With KPIs

Melissa Mackey | @mel66

• Forget Negative Keywords: Broad Match is the Way to Go – PPC
• SEO is Pointless – Just Buy All Your Traffic, It’s Easier

Scott Cowley | @scottcowley

• Link To Google From Your Website And Other SEO Secrets Search Engines Don’t Want You To Know About
• Blowing Up Foreign Embassies And Other Indirect Forms of Link Building

Elmer Boutin | @rehor

• Get More Followers: How to Hypnotize the Masses Via Social Media

Lisa Raehsler | @LisarocksSEM

• SEO is from Mars, PPC is from Venus

Aric McKeown | @aric

• Random Keywords: Playing Darts While Blindfolded in a Dark Room and Benefiting
• Social Encroachment Obsession: SEO and Why We Want To Be Stalked

David Taylor | @linkmonkey

• Let’s 301 to My Room: Pulling at SEO Conferences
• Ranker Spanker: How I Learned Everything About SEO From Being a Gimp

Bryant | @bryantdunivan

• Marketing in the Age of Yahoo, Panda and You: A Survival Guide to Algorithm Updates, and Black Hat Society: Still Hackin’

Joe Leyba | @joeleyba

• SEO Cloaking the Klingon Way
• Overseas Link Building – Putting the Seoul Back in SEO

Chris Countey | @chriscountey

• A Puppy in the Woods and Other Marketing Tactics We Can Learn from People Who Should Be in Jail
• Make Them Look! Making Websites That Look Like Actual Eye Tracking Results

Tad Chef | @onreact_com

• The Ultimate Guide to Kiss Social Media Ass for Fun and Profit

Angie Schottmuller | @aschottmuller

• The SEM Health Plan: SEO Workouts & PPC Liposuction

Jason Meininge | @shadowdaddy

• I Didn’t Know I Needed That! and Other Tales of Online Conversion Optimisation

Joshua Titsworth | @joshuatitsworth

• SEO the CRO for SMO of ROI

Alyssa Engleson | @aengleson

• My Eyes are Bleeding: Why Watching Realtime SERPs are Your Only Option
• Hipster SEO: Page 1 is so Mainstream, Page 8 is Where to Be
• Why Marketing Should be Left to the Interns

Last but not least, your [g]hostest-with-the-mostest had some ideas to toss in the pot:

Lauren Litwinka | @beebow

• Imma Sit On Your Facebook! How Real Community Managers Squash Competition
• Social Media Success: The Ryan Secrest Story
• How to Win More Website Hits Like A Baller
• SHUT YOUR FACE[book]! Why Social Media In the Workplace is a Really Terrible Idea
• R-E-S-P-E-C-T: The Mark Zuckerberg Story
• Persuasive Marketing: Getting Your Customers To Do Absolutely Anything, Even Kill A Puppy
• There’s A Bandaid In My Burger! Sweeping Bad Social Media Under the Rug
• RT, PLZ! Surefire Tactics To Get Your Social Media Story Heard
• On-Page Optimization & Keywords: How To Stuff Them In The Right Holes, When, & Where
• Shave The Panda: How To Feel Better About Yourself After You Lose All Of Your Site Traffic
• Beneath The Bath Towel: Old Spice Guy Tell-All
• Even Old MacDonald Had A Farm: The Legacy of Content Farming
• Optimized Title Tags & Other Marketing Myths
• Auto-Play Videos, Pop-Up Live Chats, Scrolling Marquees, & Other Ways To Refine Your Website
• The Death of Site-Maps: Useless for Users, Pointless to Search Engines
• 2011: A MySpace Oddessy
• You’re Doing It Wrong! Ways To Repurpose Advice From Your Ex-Girlfriend For Better Online Conversions

Big thanks to everyone from the Twittersphere for their shocking / stellar contributions. You guys have the best / worst sense of humor Happy Halloween!

Read on, let the hair down, pour a favorite cocktail, open your mind and get ready to apply a sexy helping of hot techno-sexual creativity. Here are 5 ways to use your iPhone as a toy for mind-blowing sex:

#1 Good Vibrations
Tired of embarrassing bag-checks at airport security? iPhone 3G serves double duty as a discreet vibrator for pleasing her or him. Simply set the ringer to vibrate and ask your lover (or remote friend) to use the redial button on their phone to repeatedly call.

It’s a totally sexy game keeping the routine up long enough to reach a shuddering climax. Any inadvertent pauses only work out to be hotter teasing and encourage use of fingers in between redials.

“I use vibrate on all of my phones and the older iPhone’s vibrate was weak. The iPhone 3G’s vibrate is so strong that it almost vibrated my phone off the table.” – Geek.com iPhone 3G Review

It’s best to use a thin silicon sleeve to keep moisture away from the iPhone’s actual surface. Easily washable, stimulate any body part to your heart’s content with hygienic confidence.

Open to building out your hardware? Try the ViibraExciter iPhone-compatible sex toy for men to deliver mind-bending vibrating sensations past normal unit usage. For the ladies, the  iPod sex toy is unbeatable for pulsating stimulation along with your favorite iTunes. Anyway you play it, the iPhone is a kick ass vibrator.

#2 Sexy iPhone Apps

Make foreplay even more titillating with iRomance-Romance Dice. The App leads couples through touching, massaging, kissing, rubbing, cuddling or caressing. Settings control whether you’ll be using lotion, wax or oil.

Sexy Spin is a game “so hot and sexy that it was banned from the App Store for 3 months.” It’s a sexy twist on Spin the Bottle with hot results like kissing, touching, stroking, rubbing, licking and other steamy activities.

Visit the ITunes App Store and search for “Sex.” There are dozens of paid and free adult Apps ranging from drinking games to sexy chat suggestions.

itunes-store-sex-search

#3 Videos & Pictures
Sporting a 2 megapixel camera, 3.5-inch (diagonal) widescreen, 480-by-320-pixel resolution at 163 ppi and  video playback for up to 7 hours, the iPhone is the perfect video companion for lovers. There’s even an ambient light sensor for doing it in the dark!

Watch erotic video, take intimate shots of yourself and partner and revisit your personal highlight reel for inspiration. Watch XTube videos for a web-based turn on in any size, shape, inclination or flavor of porn. From any angle, the iPhone 3G delivers a fabulous visual experience to help you and your sweetheart over the edge when it’s money time.

#4 Call Other People on The Phone
Long before phones were smart, adults called each other on the phone to get off. After all the iPhone is a phone! Speed dial your favorite long distance flame and get wicked verbal. Put the other person (or couple) on speaker phone to share the heat with your partner.

Phone sex etiquette is all the rage, so make sure that everyone knows the drill and is respectful of verbal boundaries. At the end of the day, having an iPhone means you never have to climax alone.

#5 Social Media is For Lovers
Share the experience with peeps by tweeting your orgasms. Update your Facebook status to read “making love to my boyfriend.” Get raunchy and upload your own videos to XTube. Cruise Craigslist to fantasize with couples looking to connect. (Make sure to take all appropriate precautions to ensure your safety.)

Network, share and connect, all from the comfort of your lover’s arms-iPhone in hand. Putting the “social” in social media, use the iPhone’s stunning Apps and WiFi for adult-to-adult  fantasy role playing.

iPhone 3G is for Lovers!
The iPhone 3G is not your mother’s cell phone. Replete with incredible video quality,  a powerful vibrator, sexy Apps and a camera, adults can now enhance love making using a single integrated multi-media device. Don’t forget to don headsets or iDocked speakers for romantic mood music.

Connect with with peeps, tweeps and Facebook pals  and never be embarrassed at the airport again.  Try these and other creative techniques, using your iPhone for sex.