Bookshelf of Horrors Pt II: Terrifyingly Bad Search Marketing Books You’ll Never Read

Posted in SEM Poetry Slam

Happy Halloween, one and all! Last year, we had way too much fun brainstorming and crowdsourcing imaginary titles for the Bookshelf of Horrors, a collection of 66 of the Worst Search Marketing Books You’ll Never Read. You remember that gem, right? Let us refresh your memory…
“Any seasoned search marketer will tell you that in our industry, there’s blood-curdling terrors and freak-shows to behold… if you know where to look. From downright dreadful habits of search conference speakers to positively hair-raising social media faux pas, the petrifying threat of intra-community bloodshed… sometimes it’s like we’re one bucket of pig’s blood short of a B-rated horror flick. (Side note:Carrie = not B-rated.) But perhaps one of the most spine-chilling aversions the search marketer could encounter is a so-called marketing must-read filled with outdated, misguided, flavor-of-the-month type garble, all held together by a gaudy eyesore of a book jacket and a really god-awful title.”
Marty and I are coming to the end of our first collaborative book-writing experience, and it’s been one helluva journey. We’re happy to report that our book has a pretty literal, no-nonsense title (and the cover art is so purty!). As for the fruits of this year’s brainstorm… well, see for yourself.
Would you dare to read any of these horrifying titles?
  • How To Look Thinner On The Internet: Adobe 101
  • Click For Brains: Advanced PPC Targeting In A Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland
  • The First Rule Of SEO: Never Talk About SEO
  • It Isn’t Lying If You Believe It, Too
  • Competitive SEO: How To Trash Talk Your Competitors
  • Believe It: Real SEOs & Marketers Only Use IE6
  • Ring, Ring: Why Customers PRETEND To Hate Cold Callers, But Secretly Love Them
  • 50 Shades Of Graywolf
  • The Guru’s Guide To Marketing On The World Wide Web
  • Competitive SEO: DDOS In 6 Easy Steps
  • The Universal Language: Marketing Through Viplence
  • Listen Up, Dummy! Polishing Your People Skills
  • Flash Intros And PDF Menus: The Restaurant Owner’s Guide To Online Success
  • Brevity Is Boss: Volume Eleven
  • Social Media – Who Needs It? How Staying The Course Will Win In The End
  • It’s Our Secret: How Less Marketing Will Bring You More Business
  • Lobotomize Your Business Plan: Emulate The Staggeringly Stupid (And Successful!) In 6 Easy Steps
  • Analytics? Numbers Are For Nerds, And You’re The Boss
  • Just Raise The Bid: The Secret Of My Success
  • The 2012 Auto Dealer’s Guide To Keyword Stuffing
  • Another F$#*ing Pop-Up! The World Wide Web Explained By Your Dad
  • Fagin And The Artful Dodger’s Art Of Content Scraping

(I think it’s worth noting that some permutation of 50 Shades of Grey made it into two titles from two separate folks…). Yes, special thanks to @Nate_Griffin, @morningkill, @obiwankikobi, @adrianvender, @robotfriesen, @lindsaylorraine, and @reedfulghum for their horrifyingly brilliant contributions :) .

And now, for your viewing pleasure… the aimClearians, all dressed up.

Happy Halloween, y’all!